Carennedy Solutions

Mistake #8 - Waiting to be Given What YOU Want

I frequently hear women express disappointment over not having their
needs met without having to ask. I don't get it. Ever hear the saying, the
squeaky wheel gets the grease? On the other hand, if you're one of
those people who, no matter what you're given, it isn't enough, you might
find people resisting your constant requests. Still, more often women are
made to feel like they're asking for too much when, in fact, they're not. If
you won't ask, you don't risk hearing no, but you also won't get what you
want.

The most obvious examples of this come when women finally get up the
nerve to ask for a reaise. They're frequently made to feel they're doing
something wrong or have no right to ask for what is rightfully theirs.
Having worked in human resources for many years, I know that men take
care of their own needs but will often minimize what women are worth or
owed. The average woman in the United Sttates earns twenty eight
dollars less per hundred than her male counterparts. The figures are
even more bleak for African American women and Latinas. African
American women earn only sixty-five cents for each dollar their male
counterparts earn; Latinas, fifty-two cents per dollar vis-a-vis Latino men.
Although part of this discrepancy is clearly due to discrimination, another
part is because disenfranchided groups are less likely to ask for what
they want.

A client once called to tell me that she hadn't received the same signing
bonus everyone else had already gotten as the result of transferring to a
newly formed department. I inquired as to why she thought this
happened. As people often do when confronted with a situation they
don't understand, she made up a story in her head that it must have
something to do with not being respected or just treating her as if she
were invisible. It bothered her so much that she was loosing sleep over
it. Obviously, she needed to do something about it, but she was hesitant
to "rock the boat."

After much dicussion, we scripted out what she could say to her human
resource manager to find out about the missing bonus. The way she
wanted to put it was to ask whether she was entitled to a bonus. Typicl
girl behaviour - never assume you're entitled to something you've been
promised! My tip to her wans not ask, but to assume she was entitled to
the bonus and find out why she hadn't received it. Essentially, she went in
and said, "My signing bonus wasn't in my check for the past two pay
periods and I'm wondering whenI can expect to receive it."

Lo and behold, it had nothing at all to do with respect or being a woman.
He had made a mistake. Of all the people who had transferred over, she
was the only one who was due a performance review and annual raise
within the next several weeks. he decided to wait on giving her the bonus
so that he could do all the paperwork at one time. When her
performance review was postponed because o f the new assignment,
though, he had forgotten to put in for the bonus. If she hadn't asked, she
would have continued to be distracted by and lose sleep over this
apparent slight.

The lesson is twofold. First, rather than make up a negative story, get the
facts. Second, don't wait to be given what's owed you - ask for it.

Lois P. Frankel, PHD., is president of Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena,
California - based consulting firm that specializes in executive coaching, leadership
development, and team building. She is also a popular keynote speaker and author of
Overcoming Your Strengths. She lives in Pasadena, California